i feel like running away and hide in a corner, away from reality.
bury myself in a hole, whatever, i don't want to be in this world for my operation.
it's funny how since this is my sixth one, i should be much stronger in my faith.
but this is not the case.
i feel like i am even weaker now.
this time's round is so different because they are taking out all the metal rods in my spine.
it's different because i feel so far away from God now more than ever.
and no matter what i do, or what i've been trying to not procrastinate and do, it's not working.
because i'm not doing it the way i'm supposed to do.
it's different because you know how everyone tells me and says, "it's gonna be alright, you'll be fine, you'll be alright, you'll survive, i'll wait for you in Adelaide."
i know it's not gonna be alright, fine, i may not survive, and i might not be able to come back to Adelaide.
coz many things can happen on the operation table and this time's operation is taking out all the metal rods that they've had put in in two operations over three years.
everyone does not really know the circumstances and the details of the operation and sometimes you feel weird even telling them that you're gonna have an operation and they say you'll be fine.
i just wish someone will tell me, "i understand, and i'll be with you, i'll support you, i won't say you'll be fine, but i believe in a God, a Father up there who will look after you, and do what He wants and what He wills for you."
i do not wish to die now, dear God, Father, i still want to live on, complete my degree, and try to serve Your kingdom, please?
In Jesus' name i pray,
Amen.