-At Peace-
My back bursted again a few days ago, hence the "Lord, i don't want to die yet" post, because the fluid and blood kept on oozing out non-stop for like 3 days? And i've read from somewhere that if the blood doesn't stop flowing out, i might die? But the hole is too small for that to happen.
i started whining, complaining about why i have to be that 1 in 100,000 people to have that condition, and that there is no cure, and no exact name for that condition, and the doctors did not know how to treat it, wallowing in self-pity, about how my problem is so much bigger and so much more life-threatening than others who have family problems, emotional problem, relationship problems, being such a self-centered pitiful person who actually started doubting God and His power that He is in control of everything, that He can heal me in His timing, that He can do it. Just had this cycle repeating throughout those few days.
i've been having this back condition for 9 years now, and it's still not completely, fully healed yet. 9 years is seriously a very long time. and it's not healed yet. During those 9 years, i had backslided, i had wandered away, i had doubted God, i had lost my faith and trust, i had felt that God is not listening to me, that God has abandoned me, that God has gone, but somehow something will happen, some insights, some verses, some incidents, will bring me back to God.
From the time of the last post till about a few days ago, everytime i started whining or complaining about my condition to anyone, especially ronnie, "sorrie, ronnie, for involving you in my own emotional and spiritual turmoil." there will be a voice telling me to not let Satan come and attack my Spirit and let me down, and why should i be doubting God? He has always been there for me, He has the power to heal me, He is there. and this cycle repeats.
And everytime i feel jealous or useless or pathetic or envious, i stop and reflect and know that God has made me beautifully and wonderfully, that He has a purpose for me, that He cares for me, and i am at peace.
My back bursted again a few days ago, hence the "Lord, i don't want to die yet" post, because the fluid and blood kept on oozing out non-stop for like 3 days? And i've read from somewhere that if the blood doesn't stop flowing out, i might die? But the hole is too small for that to happen.
i started whining, complaining about why i have to be that 1 in 100,000 people to have that condition, and that there is no cure, and no exact name for that condition, and the doctors did not know how to treat it, wallowing in self-pity, about how my problem is so much bigger and so much more life-threatening than others who have family problems, emotional problem, relationship problems, being such a self-centered pitiful person who actually started doubting God and His power that He is in control of everything, that He can heal me in His timing, that He can do it. Just had this cycle repeating throughout those few days.
i've been having this back condition for 9 years now, and it's still not completely, fully healed yet. 9 years is seriously a very long time. and it's not healed yet. During those 9 years, i had backslided, i had wandered away, i had doubted God, i had lost my faith and trust, i had felt that God is not listening to me, that God has abandoned me, that God has gone, but somehow something will happen, some insights, some verses, some incidents, will bring me back to God.
From the time of the last post till about a few days ago, everytime i started whining or complaining about my condition to anyone, especially ronnie, "sorrie, ronnie, for involving you in my own emotional and spiritual turmoil." there will be a voice telling me to not let Satan come and attack my Spirit and let me down, and why should i be doubting God? He has always been there for me, He has the power to heal me, He is there. and this cycle repeats.
And everytime i feel jealous or useless or pathetic or envious, i stop and reflect and know that God has made me beautifully and wonderfully, that He has a purpose for me, that He cares for me, and i am at peace.
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