Have you ever wondered whether having yes and no answers are better than uncertainty?

I did.

Today.

This afternoon, as I was waiting for the results of my chest x-ray, I prayed that God will do what He thinks is best for me and that whether if I stay in Australia or not is up to Him, but somewhere deep down, I wanted Him to let me stay in Australia, that my chest x-ray will be ok.

A part of me wanted to trust God, a part of me wanted a choice much more than the other.

Anyway, the results came out and it was the same as before. The doctor did not know what it was, but there's something there, and asked me how my health was and everything. Everything regarding my health is fine, so he said he'll get me to get another x-ray 6 months later to figure out whether it is still there or if it decided to go away.

Uncertainty.

Sometimes, I wish that it will be a yes, you may stay in Australia, or a No, you may not stay in Australia.

Not I don't know, maybe you may, maybe you may not. And all these just leaves my visa hanging in the air.

Is uncertainty good or bad?

As before, I have been asking rhetoric questions. Some of which I already knew the answer before asking.

What then, is the point of asking the question in the first place, you may ask?

I don't know, I just do.

Same thing happened for my back problem. The doctors in Australia and Singapore still have no clue as to what is wrong with me. They still don't know what is causing it, and why is the fluid collection occuring only 7 years after the operations.

Uncertainty again.

Sigh~ Maybe these are just major incidents that teach me how I can trust God better because I have no idea with what will happen next, but this sense of foreboding and yet, no sense of foreboding is causing me to feel very uncertain about my future.

One of my friends asked me the other day: "Have you ever wished you had a guy that you can depend on and share your love with?" (in short, do you want a boyfriend?)

And my reply was: "No."

Why?

It's because I've got so many other things to do, so many other things to worry about, so many uncertainties going on in my life, where will I have the time and energy to get a guy, somehow or other?

Ok, the last part has been a bit incoherent, not sure how to put it coherently, and tips/advice/suggestions from anyone?

With regard to the post below about my friend swearing at me, the same thing happened again, this time, two months later.

As i was walking round the corner at full speed because I was in a hurry, we met at the corner, and guess what happened?

He said "Fuck" again when he saw me, but surprisingly, this time I didn't react to it so strongly like two months ago.

In fact, I didn't even really react to it. I apologised to him for being freaked out by me, and he actually started apologising profusely about it, saying he didn't mean it, he was not swearing at me and stuff.

I was like "it's okay, no worries!"

And we could still laugh it off when he brought up the incident that happened two months' ago.

And suddenly, I realised, how naive I could get two months' ago, and how I could just happily laugh at it two months' later.

Or is it more like conforming to the ways of the world?

No, I think it's more like adapting to the ways of the world, but not getting changed or influenced by it. First step taken, next step to go.

Brrrr..... It's so chilly tonight! We were all shivering throughout the whole AGM, and I'm still shivering now. My room's just colder than others, and I'm trying very hard not to turn on the heater, as I might exceed the electricity bill, but i think i'm gonna turn it on tonight, too cold to bear.

It feels just like winter now, though it's supposed to be officially spring. The weather's just cranky like everyone else when it comes to exam seasons. The weather can't make up its mind whether if it wants spring or winter.

Thus we can have days when it's hot like an oven, and days when it's cold as winter, and days when it's very hot in the day and very cold in the night, and days when the sun is out, but the cold winds blow at you leaving you shivering under 2 to 3 thick layers of clothes!

oh well, i'll hope and pray that the weather will be fine tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after the day after tomorrow, and the day after the day after the day after tomorrow, and the day after the day after the day after the dat after tomorrow, and the day after the day after the day after the day after the day after tomorrow, and the whole week, and the week after this week, and the week after the week after this week, and the week after the week after the week after this week...

Still, fine is a very subjective word. Fine to me is different from fine to God.

So, i'll hope and pray that whatever the weather is, i'll trust in Him and know that He will bring me through it and make good out of it. :)

I personally do not have anything against Asians because I am an Asian myself.

I like Asian culture, Asian food, Asian countries..

So please ignore the post below as being anti-Asian, it's just a thought that occured to me about Asian friends throughout my life.

Why am I an Asian?

Why are my friends, Asians?

Why do Asians sweep things that they do not like under their carpet and pretend that nothing ever happened in front of their fellow Asian?

Why do Asians do not like to confront each other and be truthful to each other for once?

Why do Asians like to tell their fellow Asians what a certain Asian is doing, but not tell that certain Asian about it?

Why do Asians function that way?

Why?!!!

If you think i'm talking about you, please consult me and we'll work them out.

thanks!