Lord, i don't want to die, yet.

Happiness


Happiness is to know the Saviour,
Living a life within His favour,
Having a change in my behaviour,
Happiness is the Lord.


Happiness is the new creation,
Jesus and me in close relation,
Having a part in His salvation,
Happiness is the Lord.


Real joy is mine,
No matter if tear drops start,
I've found the secret,
It's Jesus in my heart, Hallelujah!


Happiness is to be forgiven,
Living a life that's worth the living,
Taking a trip that leads to heaven,
Happiness is the Lord.

okay, i know Ben put this in one of his posts on his blog, but i am gonna write it here too, because i feel the same thing as him too.

just that the person that we like is different, of course.


i did not choose you, because i chose God instead. Even if you seem like you don't know and you don't care.

And i actually do prefer spending time with God and listening to Christian music, than to spend time with you. Surprisingly, last time, before i made the decision, i actually wanted to spend time with you more, but God is much better now.

Getting nightmares lately. Lots of them. One every night. And it is always something very uncomfortable or very unpleasant. It is not about ghosts or anything in the supernatural world. It is always about people dying. Either I die or they die. Just yesterday, I had a nightmare where I was a witness at a car accident. The car had 5 or 6 people. And all of them died before my eyes. And someone was telling me how each of them died, very vividly. And it got so scary for me, that I could not listen on to that person anymore, and I wanted to detach myself from that place, and I woke up, sweating, and very very frightened. It has been like this for the past few nights, and usually I can't get to sleep till 3am. or later. and uni's starting tomorrow! I really need to sleep, but it's not working.

Elsa told me to pray, read Bible, hug Bible and go to sleep.

I did all that and I still can't get to sleep. *help*

So, yesterday, in desperation, at 1.30am, i started crying in my bed, yes, in my bed, because I couldn't sleep from like 10pm to 1.30am in my bed. More like I was crying out to God, to tell Him Please God, help me to sleep, I really have to sleep, so that I can serve You properly in church tomorrow, Please God, I really want to sleep, no more nightmares, please take them all away from me. I repeated this over and over again, crying, muffled voice, and I fell asleep, till the next morning, woke up on time and went to church, served God really well!!!

Alison prayed for me to help take my nightmares away from me, today at church during morning prayer, thanks Alison! So, I hope, and I want to have no more nightmares from tonight onwards. Please!!!!

As all my nightmares are about death.

I want life, not death.

Quote


"Why do girls pack more than they can carry?" - Ben Delaney


(when he was helping me and mich carry all our suitcases into the car boot, i had 2 suitcases: 1 big, 1 small,; 1 backpack, 1 laptop and some random stuff, mich had 2 suitcases: 1 big, 1 small; 1 backpack with a shoebag, 1 laptop and some random stuff)


thanks Ben!

so thankful to God.

This semester of exams and results are all dedicated to Him.

Only He can do this.

Showing that He exists, that He cares, and that He has the power.

I love You, God.

=)

-How i wish-

How i wish i didn't have a back problem that has a wound that will burst when the time comes for it, then i wouldn't have to worry about making doctor appointments and trying to get the doctor whom won't be able to do anything about it because he does not even know what's causing the wound to swell and unswell all the time.

How i wish i didn't have a back problem, then i could carry all 10 of my boxes down to the box room without having the need to ask "the guys" to help me. and feeling really guilty about it afterwards, because it is not their boxes and they are not my servants. and feeling really helpless when they start rejecting me because i cannot carry them myself.

How i wish i didn't have a back problem with an open wound, then i can not worry about getting it wet or sandy or dirty if i want to go to the beach.

How i wish i didn't have a back problem, then i wouldn't have to go through 4 operations since the age of eleven.

How i wish i didn't have a back problem with a long scar or actually multiple scars overlapping each other, then i would not have to worry about choosing gowns to wear at balls and proms, or heck, even clubbing or pubbing clothes, or bikinis and swimsuits, without having people or onlookers freaking out at it.

How i wish i didn't have a back problem that can be such a burden to others especially when it bursts.

How i wish i didn't have a back problem, then i wouldn't have to eat capsules after capsules of clindamycin.

How i wish

Oh, how i wish.

-But i thank God-

But i thank God that i have a back problem, then i will learn to trust God that He knows what's making the wound swell and to unswell and that He's in control of every single thing at the wound and the back.

But i thank God that i have a back problem, then i will know what wonderful friends i actually have, who would go the extra mile to lend a helping hand to me with no complaints sometimes.

But i thank God that i have a back problem, then it will help me to learn self-control of not letting myself play too much at the beach and learn to keep myself clean and not get the wound dirty.

But i thank God that i have a back problem, then i know that whatever God brings me to, He will bring me through it. that i know that He is forever faithful to me even when i'm faithless.

But i thank God that i have a back problem, then it will help me not to be too self-conscious of my appearance and not to show off if i had the perfect back or figure. then i will be able to focus my life on Him and not on my looks.

But i thank God that i have a back problem, then it will help me learn to cast my burdens onto Jesus for He cares for me.

But i thank God that i have a back problem, then i will realise that i can bear taking bitter medicine without being able to swallow it. then i will learn how to be patient and be brave to endure the endless capsules and injections and x-rays and tests.

But i thank God in all that He has taught me through my back problem.

Oh, i thank God.